My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
please come you make the beer taste better
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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