It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
