Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
