Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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