im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
pray to the hookup gods
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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