it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
