dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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