I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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