I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it hurts more in the daytime
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
