Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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