I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
