I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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