We won't sleep together?
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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