i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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