Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
