I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
