so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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