Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
