I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We got so high we made milksteak
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize