You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
