When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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