I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
