thus making me awesome and them whores
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
