when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
