Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
