I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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