I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
