You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
