I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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