Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
