Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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