Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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