So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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