My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
