is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
