We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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