how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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