Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We need to get me chipped asap
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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