Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
