I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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