yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
