I will die if light touches me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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