What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
