I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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