EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
