I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
No subtext here. People are naked.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
