did you get engaged???
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
