K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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