oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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