dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
