you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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