Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize