watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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