You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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