I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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