I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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