youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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