you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
