you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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