Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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