I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Nicole vs. Life
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
it's like iHOP with fire
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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